For A Hundred Galleons
by stargarnet
Summary: How to give and receive Pick-Up lines, Harry-Potter Style. Dramione and Blarry
1. The Bet

**Hey guys, so ever since I stopped my old fic one month ago, I got sort of bored and then I got inspired by some really hilarious fics out there and I've had this at the back of my head for a while now, so... here we go!**

**Basically, it's a long list of pick-up lines and comebacks (should they ever come in handy feel free to use them ;)), involving the ships Draco/Hermione and Harry/Blaise, so if you're homophobic or uncomfortable(nothing's explicit though), you'd better not read this, this is not aimed to offend. It's meant to be light, entertaining and romantic, so thanks to all my readers :) Oh, and if anyone can tell me the ship name of Blaise and Harry (eg. Dramione, Jily, Harmony, etc) it'd be much appreciated.**

On a particular cold and wintry January evening, in all his Slytherinish, princely glory sat the Draco Malfoy, languidly draped across a stiff armchair by the Slytherin Common Room fire, a hand in his otherwise immaculate blond hair, one white eyebrow arched over his mercurial eyes, fixed on his smirking best friend.

"Are you joking? Not _her_."

"Why not?"

"Because! One, I hate her, two, I'm fabulous."

"Don't tell me that, you were making goo-goo eyes twenty minutes ago."

"Shut up."

"What's fabulous got to do with this anyway?"

"I'm too fabulous for anyone to handle."

"Right. But I say Granger, and I'm rooting for it." Blaise Zabini's beautiful grin only widened. Draco groaned and then his lips twisted. Blaise's russet eyes widened for a split second, instantly recognizing the pure evil simmering within Draco's trademirk smirk.

"Very well, then. But in your case, I'd say... Potter."

Blaise choked on nothing. "But-"

"But nothing."

Draco conjured up a bottle of Firewhisky and two glasses from some unknown place and poured out a shot each, passing a glass to Blaise and raising his own halfway to his lips. "For a hundred Galleons on the bet, whoever charms their appointed victim into going out with him first, with the use of pick-up lines, wit and charismatic charm?" he concluded, smirk freshly painted on his luscious lips, looking down at a laughing Blaise with a look of utter triumph in his glinting eyes.

"I hate you, Malfoy," Blaise said, downing his glass.


	2. Chapter One: Blarry the First

_Hey, Potter!_

What do you want, Zabini?

_Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?_

Wha- Ok, just because Malfoy calls me Saint Potter doesn't mean I come from Heaven, Zabini.

_That was a pick-up line, Potter._

Oh. Wait what. Not really?

_Go out with me, Potter._

GINNY! Do you still practice the Bat-Bogey Hex?

_NO, NO, FORGIVE ME-_

...

_Hey, Potter!_

Now what do you want?

_Will you go out with me? I bet you 10 Galleons you'll turn me down._

Here.

_What?_

Just take my money.

...

_Of all the beautiful curves on your body, your smile is my favourite._

That's a pick-up line for girls, Zabini, unless you're implying I'm fat.

_Oh._

...

_My life without you is like a broken Quill... Pointless._

Isn't it already?

_Ouch, Potter._

...

_On a scale of one to ten, Potter, I'd say you're a nine, and I'm the one you need to hit perfect._

It's alright, I can see for myself you're a one.

_Well, I am the only one for you..._

... I'm going to walk away now, Zabini.

_HEY, WAIT, POTTER!_

What is it?

_You forgot something... Me!_

...

_Hey, where you going?_

...

_Hey, Potter, are you tired from running around my head all morning?_

I'm tired from running away from you.

_Oh... Does that mean you're going to stop running then?_

No.

...

_If I were an Ancient Runes book, would you solve all my problems?_

You know the answers are probably at the back right?

_Can you check out my back for me?_

Why don't you ask Hermione?

...

...

_You are the reason men fall in love._

You're male?

...

_You're single. I'm single. Coincidence? I think not._

I'm not single, Zabini.

...

_Hey, Potter!_

Zabini, I'm trying not to die of Flobberworm here!

_Oh. Well. Wanna take care of MY magical creature?_

You can take care of Hagrid's.

_Ew, Potter. Ew._

...

_Hey, Potter!_

Yes?

_Did you fart, because you blew me away._

... That's your worst one yet, Zabini.

_Do you want to blow me, then?_

No, thanks.

_What about a date?_

Here, have this raisin.


	3. Chapter Two: Dramione the First

_Hey! Are you a beaver, cause dam(n)!_

... Are you talking to me?

_How many other beavers are there round here, Granger?_

... Stupid ferret.

**I'm assuming that didn't work.**

_Blaise, what the heck are you doing here?_

...

Malfoy, why are you staring at my boobs?

_You wound me, Granger, I was merely staring at your beautiful heart._

Never had one, eh?

_Ouch._

...

_Can I follow you home? My parents always told me to follow my dreams._

Aw, you dream about me? I dream about you too.

_Really?_

Yes, I especially enjoy the ones were I gut your little ferret entrails and string them up in Snape's potions cupboard.

...

...

_Can I follow you home? My parents always told me to follow my dreams._

One, you use that on me already, two, we can't leave the castle during term and three, you aren't allowed in the Gryffindor dorms.

_Good point. Wanna follow me home?_

I'm not allowed in the Slytherin dorms, Malfoy. Are you daft?

_Right._

...

Night, Harry, Ron, I'm off to bed.

_Can I Slytherin?_

That's so original, Malfoy.

_So can I?_

No.

...

_Will you go out with me?_

Malfoy, why are you even asking me?

_Please?_

Fine, then.

_Wha-really?_

No.

...

_Granger, I'm begging on my knees for you to go out with me just once!_

You're not on your knees, and I thought Malfoys don't beg?

_Merlin, beaver, just one date!_

Is 31st February a good day for you?

_Really? Merlin's soggy left sock, YES!_

**Mate, there's no 31st February. Look, Granger's shaking her head at your stupidity.**

...

_I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth, Granger._

Is it that hard to go away?

...

_Could I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back._

Why don't you ask Ron, he's got plenty.

_Eww._

...

_Wanna know what looks good on you?_

I think I like sweaters.

_I meant me, Granger._

... I'll take the sweater.

...

_Hey, Granger, you taking applications for boyfriends?_

Oh, why, hello, Malfoy. Just sign here. Here as well. And here...

_What, really? You have an application for boyfriends?_

And the transfer to Beauxbatons form is complete.

**Hey, I wasn't aware you were changing school, mate, why didn't you tell me?**

...

_You're so beautiful you made me forget my pickup line._

That's so sweet.

_What, really?_

Oh, hi, Malfoy, want some Sugar Quills? Oh, wait, I don't want you contaminating me.

_Hey, that's my line!_

Charming, Malfoy.

...

_Granger, my heart is like the moon, and my love for you is like its rays._

You mean cold, far away, dead and made of stone?

_Hey!_


	4. Chapter Three: Blarry the Second

"Any success?" Draco asked after one particularly painful day of rejection, plopping down into his favourite squishy armchair.

"No, and from what I see, not in your place either," Blaise sighed, stretching like a cat.

"Guess we just gotta buck up and try harder."

...

_Hey, Potter!_

Oh no. Not you.

_I just made an Unbreakable Vow that I'll make you go out with me. Please do. Do you want me to die?_

Zabini, do you really think I care about you that much?

_... Yes?_

*walks away*

_*falls onto floor, motionless*_

OH MY GOD ZABINI I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING OH NO-

_Just kidding, Potter, I'm still alive._

... Not cool, Zabini, not cool.

**Some way to get Potter, eh, mate?**

_Shut up, Malfoy._

...

_Hey, Potter, I'm not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together._

Ooh, am I holding an axe?

...

_If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together._

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put F and U together.

_Hey, I'd like to F U!_

Go away.

...

_Hey, Potter, feel my robes._

... Okay, but if there's anything gross on it, I'm calling Ginny.

_Feel that? That's boyfriend material._

...

_Hey, Potter! Can you help me tie my shoelaces, because I totally fell for you._

Zabini. You don't have shoelaces.

...

_Go out with me if I'm wrong, but you're from Slytherin, aren't you?_

Sorry, I don't go out with stupid people.

...

_Ugh, Potter, why won't you go out with me?_

I don't like cheap people.

_I am not cheap!_

Free. Whatever.

...

_Hey, Potter, can I borrow your owl?_

No.

_But I want to owl Heaven and tell them they lost one of their angels._

What did I say about 'Saint Potter'?

_Well, I-_

And anyway I've already sent Hedwig to the Trolls to tell them they lost their runt. *looks pointedly at Zabini*

_Wha-hey!_

...

_There's something wrong with my eyes... 'cause I just can't take my eyes of you!_

Maybe they're just ugly.

...

_Hey I noticed you noticing me, so I'd just like to give you notice that I noticed you too._

Do you find that the expression 'expect the unexpected' is totally paradoxical because once you expect the unexpected the unexpected becomes the expected and then the former expected will have to give way to the new expected and become unexpected and then we have to look at it again and say 'expect the unexpected' and then we just have to expect the former-expected-now-unexpected unexpected and we have to not expect the former-unexpected-now-excepted expected just to accommodate the saying?

_What?_

...

_Are you going to kiss me, or do I have to lie to my diary?_

You have a diary? That's so gay.

***Voldemort lunges into the room angrily brandishing wand* HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MOI**


	5. Chapter Four: Dramione the Second

_Hey, Granger! Loving you is like breathing, how could I ever stop?_

Need some assistance there?

_Uh. No thanks. *scuttles away*_

...

_You can fall off a building, you can fall off a tree, but the best way to fall is in love with me._

I'd take the tree but if I jump of a building, would you shut up?

...

_Roses are red, violets are blue, I could have anyone, but I'd only choose you._

Roses are red, violets are blue, I could hex anyone, but I'd only choose you.

...

_Woah, Granger, I didn't know your Petrificus Totalus charm was so good._

What are you talking about?

_You're making me stiff._

You're making me nauseous.

...

_You must be magical, because I've fallen under your spell._

Really?! Oh wait - no, you're still alive.

...

_If you were a Dementor, I'd be a criminal just to get your kiss._

You're pretty much a criminal for using pick-up lines that bad.

_Hey!_

...

_Your smile is like Expelliarmus. Absolutely disarming._

Expelliarmus!

_Oi!_

...

_How many Malfoys does it take to screw a lightbulb?_

You know what a lightbulb is?

_Well, the answer is they don't, they only screw Grangers._

Ew! Ew! Ew!

_I meant you and me! I swear!_

*punch* That wasn't much better!

...

_Do you have a map?_

Harry's got one.

_YOU'RE DATING POTTY?_

What on earth made you get that idea?

_He has the map to your heart?!_

No.

_Then-oh right, that was just my... never mind..._

Stupid ferret.

...

Hey Granger, are there 20 letters in the alphabet?

Didn't expect any better from you.

_Hey! I only forgot U, R, A, Q, T!_

That's only 25.

_Don't worry, I'll be giving you the D._

...

...

_If you were homework, I'd do you on a table._

If you were homework, I'd hand you up to Snape and let him Exceed Expectations.

...

_If I told you you had nice cauldrons, would you hold it against me?_

*hurls cauldron at head*

_OW! Not that cauldron!_

_..._

_Do you believe in love at first sight or shall I walk past again?_

Considering I've known you for years now, definitely not.

_..._

Feel free to, though. Just keep walking.


	6. Chapter Five: Blarry the Third

_Hey, Potter! Do you wanna go out with me this Saturday?_

Sorry, Zabini, I'm going to have a headache on Saturday.

...

_Hey, guess what! Out of all the sexy people round here, I chose you to talk to._

Hey, guess what! Out of all the hexes I could throw at you, I'm going to actually let you walk away unscathed.

_Growing a little fond of me, Potter?_

Not as little as what you have down there.

_Well, considering the size, you must really like me very much then._

... Rictumsempra!

_Ah- well- ahhhh- you must like- ahh- seeing me smile!_

Or, you know, writhe and squirm.

_I will- aah soon!_

... In pain, I hope.

...

_Potter, I would go to the end of the world if you'd date me._

Would you stay there?

_Well... I would die for you._

Prove it.

...

_Even if there wasn't any gravity on Earth, I would still fall for you._

Okay but I'm not catching you.

...

_Hey Potter, what's your sign?_

'Do Not Enter'.

_Damn._

...

_Come on, don't be shy... Just ask me out._

Fine. Get out.

...

_Hey, Potter, your robes look a little tight... Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like my bedsheets?_

Hey, Zabini, you look a little tired... Why not slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?

_I'd prefer my bed, really._

Kay, bye.

...

_If you were a pill, I'd overdose._

Didn't know you were into inanimate objects.

...

_Hey, Potter, did you get those robes on offer?_

Uhm, no.

_Because in my bed, they'd be 100% off!_

I never knew you were such a slob you leave your robes in your bed.

_Well do you want to get into my robes?_

What do you think?

_Yes?_

*Walks away*

...

_Hey, Potter, let's do some math. We'll add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply._

We're both guys, Zabini, we can't multiply.

...

_If I were a stoplight I'd turn red every time you passed because you're so breathtaking, and I'd get to stare at you longer too._

Well frankly, I'd just ignore you.


	7. Chapter Six: Dramione the Third

_Hey, Granger!_

Gods, ferret, don't you have someone else to bother or are you just forever alone?

_... Anyway, are you lost, because you're a long way from heaven._

I can tell, seeing you're right here.

...

_When I look at you, Granger, I'm glad I'm not blind._

I'm not.

...

_Hey there, Granger, you look good. How many guys do I have to wait behind?_

Oh, nobody, you're first on my hexing list.

...

_I'm not trying to impress you or anything but... I'm Draco Malfoy!_

Yep, not impressed.

...

_I love you so much I'd marry your cat just to be in your family._

Here you go.

_I was kidding, why would I want to marry that thing._

What?! You horrible, mean liar! Oh, poor Crookshanks, don't listen to the nasty blond ferret, he didn't mean it...

...

...

_You're so sweet, you're giving me a toothache._

**Hey!**

_What do you want, Blaise, can't you see I'm trying to get Granger to go out with me?_

**But how come you say that to Granger but not me?**

Well, anything to give you pain. And, Zabini, it's okay, Malfoy's always been an unappreciative git.

_You're being unappreciative of my efforts!_

So you're saying I have to appreciate you irritating me every day?

...

_You're like a drug to me, I'm addicted to you, you make me feel so good, and without you I'm not sane._

You're like a drug to me. Expensive, illegal, wrong, harmful, and oh, I nearly forgot, ruining my life.

_Hey!_

You're never sane, anyway.

_That's right, I'm crazy for you._

You're driving me crazy.

...

_Uh, why are you touching my shoulder?_

So I can die happy knowing I've touched the most beautiful girl in the world.

_Please do._

...

_Hello, Granger, may I have the great, distinguished privilege and honour of sitting next to you this fine Charms class?_

No.

...

_Granger, you must be a broom because you swept me off my feet._

No, Malfoy, I'm a girl. Are you blind or something?

...

_You know, Granger, last night I looked up and for every star I saw I matched a reason to why I love you._

Aw, well, guess what?

_*sigh* You looked up at the stars last night and matched a reason why you hated me to each one?_

No, I did exactly the same as you did.

_Really?_

Yeah, but good thing it was so foggy out from Gryffindor Tower, which is lucky because my brain would have died trying to think of a reason why I love you, especially if I don't love you. And you know, for every cloud I saw, that I matched a reason to why I hated you.

...

_I wrote your name in the sky, but the clouds covered it. I wrote your name on the sands, but the waves washed it away-_

Maybe that's a sign?

_But I wrote your name on my heart, and forever it'll stay._

I... that's really, really sweet, Malfoy.

_You think so?_

Yeah, too bad it's for nothing.

_Damn._

...

_Hey, Granger, did you know I'm really good at Divination?_

Really, well, I think it's a load of bull.

_... Anyway, let me practice. Let's see. Ah. I can see love in your eyes whenever you look at me..._

Malfoy, you know you aren't as good as you think you are, right? And I'm not just talking about Divination.

_Sorry, my mistake, I always get lust and love mixed up... But you do think I'm good looking at least, am I right?_

*hurls book*

_Okay, okay! *scurries away*_

*smiles* Well... *whisper*... Yes, Draco, you're right.


	8. Chapter Seven: Blarry the Fourth

_Hey, Potter!_

*sigh* Yes?

_Sex is is a sensation caused by temptation when I put my location in your destination to increase population of the next generation. Do you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?_

Murder is the act, when you come to lack, the common sense of fact, to get off my back, or if you're too dense to react, you know what, just get the hell out of my way.

...

_Hey, Potter, I just realised something._

That you're going to finally leave me alone?

_You look a lot like my next lover._

Poor guy.

...

Zabini, is this supposed to be payment for hours of torture listening to you testing awful pick-up lines on me? Because you're going to have to double it to make up for it.

_No, that's for you to drink till I look hot enough for you to sleep with._

... Sorry, calculation error, you're going to have to triple, not double it.

...

_Hello, Potter, I'm doing a survey for which pick-up lines you think are the worst-_

Oh, hang on, let me try to remember the one you used yesterday.

_-between 'Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas', 'does this rag smell like chloroform to you' or 'I'm doing a survey for which pick-up lines you think are the worst?'_

Oh, this one, definitely. Or maybe that awful one about you having a diary. Or telling me that I have curves. Or when you asked me for my sign. I mean, seriously, have some class, man.

...

_I'm sorry, Potter, were you talking to me?_

No.

_Well, please start._

No.

_Dang._

...

_If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?_

50%, honestly, is your math that bad?

...

Ouch! Zabini, shoving me into the table is not a good way to ask me out.

_Oh. Well, would you like me to apologize, or do you want to f***?_

I'll take the apology.

_Sorry, Potter, I've been a very bad boy... I think you need to punish me._

Ewwww.

...

_Potter, I just want to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. Go ahead. Say no._

No.

**Told you reverse-psychology doesn't work.**

_Shut up, beaver._

...

_Potter, will you go out with me this Saturday?_

No.

_Yes._

No.

_Yes._

No.

_Yes._

No.

_No._

No. Do you honestly think I'm that stupid? I'm hurt, Zabini.

...

_You smell._

Wow, thanks, Zabini.

_I smell._

I know.

_Wanna shower with me?_

... I think I'd rather smell.

...

_Empty your pockets, Potter._

Why?

_I believe you've stolen my heart._

Hmm. *empties pockets* oh, look at this little dried leaf. That must be it. Here you go.

...

_If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?_

Thank god you're worse than Neville at transfiguration. And even if you weren't, no.

...

_Hey, Potter!_

What now?

_Picture this: you, me, a bubble bath and champagne._

Right, well, I'll smash the bottle on your head and drown you in the tub.

...

_Hey, Potter!_

Zabini, I seem to have lost my underwear. Can I see yours?

_Wait-what? Really?_

Nah, I was just wondering if it'd make you shut up. Sadly, not.

...

_Hey, Potter, is this seat taken?_

Actually, yes.

...

_Hey, Potter, is this seat still taken?_

No, and this one won't be either if you sit down.

...

_There will only be 7 planets left, Potter, after I destroy Uranus._

Well, Professor Trelawny wouldn't be too pleased.

...

_If I had a Sickle for every time I saw someone as sexy as you, I'd have 17 Knuts._

If I had a Sickle for everytime I saw someone as ugly as you, I'd have 17 Knuts.


	9. Chapter Eight: Dramione the Fourth

_Honey, you give me a whole new meaning of the word 'sexy'._

Honey, you give me a whole new meaning of the word 'dumb blond'.

_Hey!_

...

_Hey, Granger!_

What do you want now, Malfoy?

_If I could choose between breathing and loving you, I'd use my last breath to tell you "I love you"._

Please do. Right now.

...

_You know, Granger, Dumbledore'll ask you to leave the school soon cause you make other girls look bad._

Guess what I'm gonna say?

_*sigh* That Dumbledore'll ask me to leave the school because I make the school look bad?_

Yep.

...

_Hey, Granger!_

Yeah?

_See this stone? I'm going to throw it into the Black Lake now. When you find it is when I will stop loving you._

Accio stone!

_Shit._

...

_Hey, Granger!_

Now what?

_I used to think happiness started with a H, but now I know it starts with U._

I used to think 'Ugly' started with U, and guess what, it still does.

...

_Granger?_

Yes?

_Do you have a Quill?_

Uhm, sure, here. Just don't curse it or anything.

_Don't worry, I won't. I just want to erase our past and write our future._

Wow, I can picture history repeating itself.

_*sigh*_

...

_Hey, Granger!_

Why do you pester me so?

_It's not my fault I fell for you, you tripped me._

Didn't know causing you harm would cause me worse harm.

_Well, if they hurt you, they hurt me too._

Really? *slap*

_Ow! Dammit, beaver!_

Nope, still feel good.

...

_Hey, Granger!_

What?

_You know why I can't let go of you? Because I look at you and I think, wow, all those curves and me with no brakes!_

Feel free to crash into any of these walls.

...

_Hey, Granger, if you weren't here, I'd be the hottest person around._

You mean if the entire Hogwarts population besides Filch weren't here.

_You think I'm hotter than Filch?_

I know, big surprise, right?

...

_God gave me two arms, two legs, two eyes and one heart. I think it's because you're the other one._

God also gave you only one mouth so shut up.

_Or we can join ours together?_

*walks away*

_Aww._

...

_Hey, Granger!_

What?

_You should change your name to Cinderella, because that dress is coming off at midnight._

I'm not wearing a dress.

...

_Granger, wait up!_

What is it?

_*huff* Hey, beauty, wanna meet my beast?_

No thanks.

...

_Hey, Granger!_

Yes?

_I'm going to serenade you to dinner! Isn't that romantic of me?_

Wait, what, no, please don't-

_Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling, it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from meee~ Do you get it?_

... You just ruined my childhood, asshole.

...

_Hey!_

What?

_Hermione, you're so beautiful you give the sun a reason to shine, and I was hoping I could sit next to you in Potions since Potter and Weasley are together._

... I... what did you just call me?

_Uhm. Beautiful?_

No, not that... Hermione. You called me Hermione.

_Yeah, well. *blush* That's your name, right?_

I-yeah. And I... I'll sit with you in Potions later.

_Really? I am so awesome._

... Don't push it, ferret.

**A/N: Hey guys, thanks so much for your support in this story and I really want to thank you all for everything! P.S. If you have time, can you check out my short Tomione oneshot on my profile? Strange pairing, I know, but it'd mean a lot to me. Thanks :)**


	10. Chapter Nine: Blarry the Fifth

_Happy Valentine's Day, Potter! Potter? Potter? Hey, where are you going?_

...

_Hey, Potter!_

What?

_Are you made of Copper and Tellurium, because you are CuTe!_

Are you made of bismuth, technetium and hydrogen, because you're being a BiTcH.

_Ouch._

...

_Hey, Potter! This cello isn't the only big wood between my legs._

That's a bass.

_Oh._

...

_You know, Potter, a face like yours turns heads._

You know, Zabini, a face of yours turns stomachs.

...

_What do math and I have in common? We're both hard for you._

Oh well I was thinking it was that you both have a hell of a lot of nasty problems. Or that I hate you both with a burning passion.

_No humour today, eh, Potter?_

Piss off, Zabini.

...

_When I'm around you I can't think straight. Get it? Straight?_

Go walk into a pillar.

_Really grumpy today, are you?_

*walks off*

_Nooooooooo why must you ignore me~_

Because I don't like you.

_..._

...

_Hi!_

Why is there a ribbon around your waist?

_I wanted to give you a sweet present for Valentine's Day!_

Fine. Where is it?

_..._

...

_Hey, Potter!_

Yeah?

_You know, I think I'm going to be on your naughty list this Christmas *wink wink* I wonder what you do to naughty boys?_

I give them to Professor Mcgonnagal.

_Damn._

...

_Hey, Potter!_

What?

_I can't find a Halloween costume, can I go as your boyfriend?_

Halloween's not for another eight months, Zabini. And you can always go as Malfoy's.

**No!**

...

_Now, Potter, what's a prince like you doing in a dungeon like this? Come to visit me?_

Going for potions class, stupid.

...

_Aw, Potter, you look so distressed. Shall I come over and save you?_

You're my cause of distress!

_Oh._

...

_Potter, my love for you burns like a dying Phoenix._

I hope it dies too.

_:(_

...

"Hey, Blaise," Draco smirked, sitting down opposite Blaise and taking a bite of his mashed potatoes. "How's it going?"

Blaise shot him a sour look. "Piss off, Malfoy."

"Malfoy? Not Draco? I'm wounded," Draco clutched his heart in mock devastation. "C'mon, give me your progress. Hermione's gonna sit with my during Potions after Lunch."

"Hermione? Not Granger? I'm surprised," Ginny Weasley half-mimicked Draco as she suddenly slid down next to him. Draco and Blaise stared.

"What the hell are you doing at the Slytherin table, Weaslette!" they exclaimed unanimously. Ginny scowled and took a piece of chicken.

"Do you want my help or not, Zabini?" she said through a mouthful of food. "Recently, I've been observing your oh-so-pitiful attempts to woo Potter-shut up," she responded to Blaise's affronted protests of 'my efforts were charming', "that's bullcrap. No boy in their right mind would fall for something like that. And, so, as I was observing, I realised that you both would, if you actually tried properly, be a really cute couple. I also realised I don't like Harry that much, and anyway, Dean Thomas apologized for being such an annoying jerk. So, if you're willing to make Harry happy, I'm willing to help you snare him."

"So he was PMSy because you broke up with him?!" Blaise spluttered, choking on his pumpkin juice. "On Valentine's day? That's a little harsh, don't you think?"

"He's a pretty angsty kid," Ginny shrugged. "So do we have a deal before Ronniekins notices me sitting at the Slytherin table and sprays me with the food in his mouth while babbling about my 'idiocy' and 'enemy fraternization'?"

Blaise got down to his knees and bowed before her.


	11. Chapter Ten: Dramione the Fifth

_Hey, Granger!_

No Hermione this time?

...

_You know, Hermione, your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight from your beautiful eyes._

Firstly, I'm not wearing earrings; secondly, we're in a dungeon in mid-day; thirdly, you're going to explode that potion if you add-

_**BOOM**_

...

_Oops?_

...

_Hermione, you know, I think Weasley thinks you're pretty cute._

Oh?

_But I think you're absolutely gorgeous._

Aw, thanks. I think Weasley thinks you're pretty cute too.

_What._

Just kidding.

...

**OH MY GOD MIONE WHY ARE YOU SITTING WITH THAT SLYTHERIN GIT ARE YOU FRATERNIZING WI-**

_Unfortunately, Weasley, today Hermione has chosen to sit next to somebody sophisticated and gentlemanly._

Oh. I guess I should go sit with Dean. Or maybe Seamus.

_Wait-but Hermioneee_

...

_Hey, Hermione!_

What?

_My name is Doug, which is God backwards with a little bit of you/U in it._

I knew you weren't particularly intelligent, but I honestly didn't think you would actually forget your name.

**I had a hunch.**

_Shut up, Potter._

...

_Hey, Hermione! If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable. Hermione? Are you okay? Why aren't you breathing?_

**Honestly, Drake, I think she can't breathe with laughter over the lameness of that. You didn't really just compare her to a chicken, did you?**

_... Shut up, Blaise._

...

_Hermione, I'll give you a cookie if you'll go out with me._

Don't you know how bad cookies are for your teeth? The crumbs and sugar will get stuck in between your pearly whites and if you don't brush your them properly - and remember to floss(!) - then you'll get holes in your teeth and that'll be nasty and then-

_Okay, okay, never mind._

...

Uhm, Malfoy, why are you giving me cheese crackers?

_Read the note._

Uhm... 'I hope you don't think this is cheesy but will you go out with me'.

_So?_

I think it's pretty cheesy, so no.

...

_Hey, Hermione... Can I flirt with you? *wink*_

No.

_Aww._

...

_Hermione, are your robes felt? Do you want them to be?_

All our robes are made of the same material, Malfoy.

...

_You know, Hermione, is it legal to be that beautiful?_

Is it legal to use pick-up lines that bad?

_:(_

...

_I would kill or die to be with you._

Please die.

_Meanie._

Meanie yourself.

_You're meanie-er._

No, you're meanie-er!

_Meanie-est!_

Meanie-meanie-meanie-est!

_MEANIE-ER THAN ANY OTHER MEANIE EVER!_

MEANIE-ER TH- what am I doing with my life. You're doing this to me. Go away.

_... Meanie._

...

_Hey, Hermione, those robes would go great on my carpet._

That's just too bad, isn't it?

_Aw._

...

Malfoy, do you think you could please pass my essay up to the Professor?

_Draco._

What?

_Call me Draco._

Oh... okay, Draco. Do you think you could please pass my essay up to the Professor?

_It would be my pleasure to handle the work of one so beautiful._

Yeah, this is special parchment Flourish and Blotts just got, it's charmed to always look new and a nice bone colour. I like it far better than the creamy ones.

_I meant you._

Oh. Thank you, Draco.

...

_Hey, Hermione._

Hi, Draco, why are you at the Gryffindor's table?

_The voices in my head told me to talk to you._

**Oh, it must be the Wrackspurts.**

Uhm, what?

**The Wrackspurts have been very excited lately. They told me that Draco and Blaise made a bet on who could get you or Harry out first. I thought that was very funny, all your interactions.**

_Uh oh._

Wait?! What?! I- I...

_Woah! Hermione! Wait up! No! Come back!_


	12. Chapter Eleven: Blarry the Sixth

**(A/N: so this chappie is a little different, but I hope you still enjoy it :))**

Lesson One

**He likes chocolate. Lots. Of. Chocolate. And treacle tarts.**

* * *

Attempt One:

ZABINI?!

_Uhm, yes, Potter dear?_

Why is there a huge statue of you in chocolate in my bed?

_Because... I wanted to give you a very handsome and sweet present?_

...

.

Attempt Two:

_Hey, Potter!_

Yeah?

_What do you and treacle tarts have in common?_

Uh... What?

_They both make me... very... sticky... ;)_

... My mind! I'm dying! Hermione! Obliviate me! You horrible person! I'll never be able to look at treacle tart the same again!

...

Lesson Two

**Harry does not appreciate pick-up lines. Especially ones about his parents. Mark my words, Slytherin, mark my words.**

* * *

_Hey, Potter, are your parents terrorists, because you are the bomb!_

... My parents are dead.

_Oh... right. I'm sorry, Potter, I didn't mean to- hey! I'm sorry! Come back!_

**Dammit, Zabini, I said he DOESN'T appreciate pick up lines about his parents! DOESN'T!**

_Oops?_

***whack***

_Ow! Geez, you violent woman!_

...

Lesson Three

**Know how Malfoy got Hermione a little warmer? He called her by her first name. Make sense?**

* * *

_Hi!_

Uhm, hi.

_Hi, Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarry :)_

Hi, Zabiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

_Hi, Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarry :)_

Hi, Zabiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

_Hi- look, are you going to notice that I'm caling you Harry or not?_

I-oh. Huh. That's. Nice?

_..._

_..._

Lesson Four

**Okay. So, Harry's actually a little timid. So you're going to have to practically sweep him off his feet in every aspect of thrilling and romantic. Excite him. Enthrall him. Entrance him. Got it?**

* * *

Attempt One:

_Harry, I love you._

Aww, I love you too.

_So I-wait, what?_

I just love me more.

_..._

_._

Attempt Two:

_Hey, Harry._

Yeah?

_Let's get married._

... What?

_Let's get married._

Uh, why would we do that?

_Because we love each other very much!_

I don't love you.

_Because I love you very much!_

I'm quite sure you don't love me that much.

_Because I love you!_

No you don't.

_Because - uh. We're very close?_

Right. How the heck does your irritating me and my rejecting you make us close? Give me some proof.

_I... uh... call you by your first name?_

...

...

Lesson Five

**Summer break's coming up. Harry's going to be stuck with the Dursleys, and you know he hates them. I'm sure a little visit wouldn't hurt. Oh... and, his uncle Vernon, he really likes wizard robes... be sure to wear them, and demand for Harry on the doorstep ;)**

* * *

There was a knocking on the door, and slowly Vernon looked up from his newspaper with a frown. When the rocking returned, he slowly stood up and made his way towards the door with a grunt, sticking on an awkward morning smile as he opened the door to receive the unexpected visitor.

He was almost blinded when a brilliant smile flew his way with glinting pearly teeth set against beautiful dark skin.

"Hello!" the young man grinned brightly. Vernon frowned as the cogs in his head started whirring in his head, rising from their morning stupor when he realised the young man was wearing a bottle green dress... no, not a dress... ROBES! He blinked for a few moments. Robes. _Robes_. Those horrible dress-like gowny things they wore. _Them_. This boy was one of _them_. This man was looking for-

"-Harry. I'm here to visit Harry Potter. He lives here, right?" the boy said cheerfully, peering over his shoulder.

"NO!" Vernon roared suddenly, coming to his senses. "HE DOESN'T LIVE HERE! NOBODY LIVES HERE! NOBODY-" He tried to slam the door but the boy jammed his foot in and cocked his head, ignoring Vernon's continuous ramblings of "NO, NO, NOBODY LIVES HERE, WE LIVE A VERY NICE, SANE, NON-MAGICAL, NON-POTTERY LIFE HERE, NO! NOBODY LIVES HERE! ALL ALONE, YES, ALL ALONE! NOBODY HERE! NO! NOBODY!"

"Harry?"

"Zabini?"

And across the distance, green clashed into brown in one ethereal, intangible dance, one glance of hope, delight and surprise - a hitched breath of blossoming warmth that was rudely interrupted by a high pitched shriek of panicked blabber.

"NUUU! HARRY POTTER NO LIVE HERE!"


	13. Chapter Twelve: Dramione the Sixth

_... Hermione?_

...

_Hermione?_

Go away!

_No._

Ugh.

_I'm sorry!_

Don't touch me!

_I'm sorry, Hermione darling, but I'm stuck and I can't unstick myself until you forgive me._

CONFRIN-

_NEVER MIND!_

...

_Hermione, do you have a map, because I'm lost in your eyes._

NO, I DON'T AND I HOPE YOU DROWN IN THEM AND DIE! *stomps off*

_*sighs* I already am._

...

_Hey, Hermione, you look a little tired and sad... I think you need some vitamin me._

You've made me a wreck, you bastard, but I'm not ready to hit the pill yet.

_Ouch._

...

_You know, Hermione, your body is a wonderland and I'd love to be Alice._

Can't you just leave me alone, you bloody tranny.

_Hey, I am not a tranny!_

...

_OKAY OKAY BYE_

_..._

_Are you a Dementor, Hermione, because you just take my breath away._

Permanently, I hope.

...

_Right, I'm here._

I can see that. Please see yourself out.

_I thought you were looking for a Mr. Right? Because then I'm right here._

No, I'm looking for a Ms. Right, actually.

_Wait what._

No, I'm kidding. I'm sorry, Draco, but I don't like those like you. I don't like girls. I like boys.

...

_Great legs, Hermione, what time do they open?_

Now.

_OW MY CROTCH YOU VIOLENT WOMAN!_

Ha!

**Nice one, Hermione!**

Thanks, Ron.

...

_Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?_

Do I want to know?

_*wink*_

Ugh.

...

_Hey Hermione, you like conserving stuff like House Elf rights, right?_

It's S.P.E.W., by the way, NOT spew; and you can't conserve rights.

_Yeah, well, anyway, what about we save water and you shower with me?_

What about we save resources and kill you now?

...

_I'm ugly. You're hot. Let's make average babies._

Why would I do anything like that?

_Because... Uh. I'm hot?_

I thought you just said you were ugly?

_Well yeah but-_

Piss off.

...

_Hermione?_

Now what?! I just cannot deal with you right now, okay! All my exams are coming up and I just can't deal with-

_Hermione, I can explain-_

That you tried to get into my pants for money?! That you just played around with my feelings for a handful of gold?! That you-

_No! It's just that- wait? Your feelings?_

Just go away!

**You screwed up big time, Malfoy.**

_Shut up, Weaslette._

**Tut tut.**

* * *

**Hello, Hermione.**

Oh... Hi, Luna.

**Would you like a toffee?**

I wouldn't eat that, it's probably one of Fred and George's Ton-Tongue Toffee. You know. The one that makes your tongue tie itself in a knot. Nice alliteration though. 'TTT ties your tongue'. It's really quite-

**You're rambling.**

I know.

**He does like you, you know.**

I don't think so, Luna. You said so yourself. There was a bet.

**An opportunity to target you without being mocked by fellow Slytherins. And get some money in along the way. The Malfoys are going bankrupt because of a giant inflatable banana d*ld* Lucius Malfoy accidentally bought while he was drunk and refused to lend it to Cornelius Fudge, who threatened to tell his wife and his six mistresses if he didn't hand over a large amount of money.**

Uh... okay. And anyway; please, why would he like me of all people?

**Would he stake a hundred Galleons if he didn't love you, seeing as you're already as elusive as a Crumple-Horned Snorkak?**

A hundred Galleons?!

**He probably thinks you're worth more than that.**

So what, anyway? He's so egoistic he probably thinks he can seduce anybody he wants.

**Seen him shagging around lately?**

Luna!

**Have you?**

No...

**There you have it.**

But-

JUST KISS ALREADY!

Uhm, Ginny, what are you doing here?

Uh-uh-uh LAVENDER TOLD ME!

**_BUT PARVATI CONVINCED ME!_**

**AND LUNA SAID-**

...


End file.
